Behind the Facade

Tara was going to step out from her tiny village for the first time in her life. She was nervous but very excited. Three months ago, when her dear aunt had introduced her to the boy who would soon become her husband, she was skeptical about accepting the offer. She had a feeling that she might not be able to adjust to the fast-paced life, all that glamour of a big city and the expectations of her soon-to-be husband who was born & brought-up in Mumbai. However, when they first met, all her apprehensions were put to rest when Sanket informed her how he always wanted to live a peaceful life, he loved to eat home-cooked meal and he would prefer to come back to the village once he retires from his job. He also explained how he had spent his childhood there and had fond memories of his life at the village. Tara was able to relate to him and felt comfortable around him.

Even though Tara was shy and her parents had informed her strictly not to speak about her career aspirations at this stage, when Sanket asked what she planned to do for her career, she couldn’t stop herself and blurted out that she wanted to be teacher. Sanket was supportive of her even on that front. In fact, he offered to do some research and circulate her CV to the nearby schools so she could start immediately after the wedding. Tara was so happy to hear that. He was the kind of person she wanted to marry!

The wedding happened in a small town which was a little outside Tara’s village in a grand ceremony. That was a smallrequest from Sanket’s parents, which Tara’s parents were more than happy to fulfill. Things were perfect for about a year after the wedding. It was almost as if Tara was living the life she had not even imagined in her dreams. Sanket was a very supporting husband and he made sure that he valued her. Especially when they were in front of a lot of people. When in-laws or parents were around, he would make sure Tara gets the required respect. In front of relatives, he would always sit with her and ask for her opinion. When they would be among friends, he would hold her hand and would order Tara’s favorite food every time. When she used to go to bed, Tara would sometimes think that she was maybe one of the God’s chosen few, which is why she was living this perfect life. 

As time began to pass, she started noticing the smaller things and kind of got confused sometimes. It once happened that Tara & Sanket were going to visit their friends. Tara couldn’t decide on which dress to wear and in the last moment, she picked a dress that her mom had gifted her recently. When Sanket saw her in that dress, he bluntly said, that’s such a dull color with too much glitter on it. Why do you buy such gaudy outfits? Tara looked at herself again in the mirror and felt that it was fine for the occasion. That day, he was probably upset, she thought. So,Tara tried to lighten the mood. She said that she would take him for shopping next time and he can select the colour that he likes! To that, Sanket said, “Why would you take me? You only wear what your mom gifts you.” That wasn’t true but Tara didn’t argue. They didn’t speak for the rest of the journey. As soon as they reached the friend’s place, Sanket was happy & smiling again. He was holding her hand and getting her the plate and even holding her handbag. She felt relaxed.

A few days later, Sanket informed her that he was facing some issues at his workplace. Though she didn’t understand much, she could grasp that the company was unhappy with his performance and was planning to move him to a different department and Sanket was extremely upset with this. He felt that it was a part of corporate politics and he was being made the scapegoat by his supervisors. During that time, there were days when he used to go in a shell and would not share anything with Tara. But she understood. It was a difficult situation for himafter all.

A few days later, Sanket’s parents and relatives had to go on a month-long trip to various religious places. Though Tara totally adored Sanket’s parents, she was kind of secretly hoping that now maybe Sanket & Tara would go on night-outs more this month and maybe she could also go to some Friday night parties with him, without worrying about when to return home. However, as soon as the parents went on the trip, Sanket started going out with his friends more and more. Some days, he would not return home at all. When he would be at home, he would lock himself in the room and would not come out for hours. Sometimes when Tara was unwell, he would not even ask her about her health. She couldn’t understand what was happening. She kept thinking about various reasons why he was behaving this way. Maybe he was very stressed about work and finances. 

For a change, she went ahead and booked tickets to Goa for the weekend. She was so happy and so proud of herself since this was the first time she had done everything on her own. She had looked for numerous hotels and had booked the one that had a club, a pool, very near to the beach and perfect as per Sanket’schoices. While scouting for hotels, she was comparing herself to Sanket in her mind and was actually enjoying the process of searching the perfect hotel for them. Then she searched for some local travel agency and booked a vehicle for their stay. After this, she booked the flight tickets and with every other booking, she was getting so very excited. She wanted to see the expression on her husband’s face when she told him about all this. He would be so happy to hear how independent she had become!! She was no longer the inexperienced girl from a tiny village who did not know anything about city life. 

In the evening, she was smiling ear-to-ear when she was waiting for Sanket to get back home. When he reached, he went straight to the room and locked himself. Tara was too happy to feel bad that day. She prepared Sanket’s favorite dinner and waited for him to come out of the room. Post dinner, she happily informed about everything she had done that day and couldn’t contain her excitement when she told him that they had to pack their bags the next day. 

At first, Sanket was smiling while hearing about this, but towards the end, he made a comment that hurt Tara the most. He said “Looks like you have a lot of money to waste!! Just because I haven’t been asking for the money, doesn’t mean you can waste it like this. We will go this time but please don’t do such bookings in the future.”

After this incident, Sanket kept making snide remarks about her lifestyle, how she didn’t carry herself well, how she was filthy at times etc. etc. Most of the time she would remain silent when he said such things. Since she felt that Sanket was maybe going through a rough phase at his workplace, she started contributing financially towards the household expenses as well. A couple of months later, Sanket’s mother had a minor stroke and one side of her body was paralyzed. Tara took good care of her mother-in-law and she also used to ensure all the household activities were being handled by her completely. She started getting up at dawn and would sleep by midnight almost every day, shuffling between her household chores and office work all day long. Even though Sanket was witnessing all this, he never offered any help. And Tara was tired all day long, every single day. She was thinking of quitting her job but then, that was the only place where she was herself and where she found some time alone. She didn’t want to sacrifice that!

Sanket was always the hero in the crowd. He loved to boast his intelligence, knowledge and things that made people appreciate him a lot. When he would drive, he was the kinds who would stop in the middle of a busy road to tell the biker that he wasn’t following the rules. He would roll-down the car windows in style and would shout or abuse the biker, but as soon as he was confronted by the other person, he would suddenly turn sensitive and all smiles. He would not let the person win the argument though. This was all too much to take for Tara- she had always lived a simple life where she was who she was! She didn’t have two personalities or any sense of being supreme/ better than others. 

She did not prefer to discuss all this with anyone. In fact, she didn’t know what she could actually discuss about! Sanket was such a good husband, if she could ignore these little things here & there. One day, a colleague was so frustrated with her life and was telling her how it was a struggle. Yes, she could relate to that. The colleague told her that just to survive the hi-fi lifestyle of Mumbai, both her & her husband had to struggle so much. She spoke about how her husband was working in UK shift, so he came home by 1AM every day and would wake up at 5:30AM to help her with the household chores. The way she spoke felt that they were a team, working and struggling together. It somehow felt a strange feeling to her. For Tara, it had been more superficial than this. There was a lot of appreciation among people but no support when she actually needed it. This made her even more confused. Maybe she was thinking too much. 

These days, whenever she was at home, she realized that she was running around all the time, helping her mother-in-law, serving food to father-in-law, preparing tea for Sanket, serving dinner, doing dishes, cleaning the kitchen and then doing the laundry and by the time she went to bed, she would be all exhausted. She felt irritated. Why was Sanket so ignorant of all this? Why did it feel as if he was oblivious to all that she was going through?

Whenever she would discuss all this with Sanket, he would politely tell her that he really tried to help her but he his office work was keeping him too occupied. Sometimes he would pick up a dish or two and would tell her 100 times how helpful he was in household chores. Tara sometimes felt that he was living in a world of his own where he thought that things were happening just as he was describing to her. Plus, he would accuse of living in her dream world all the time. So maybe she was thinking too much? Why did she need his help after all? There are women out there who are struggling much more than her and they never complained. She ignored her thoughts yet again. 

Some days later, Sanket would again buy an expensive gift for her. She had a good collection of diamond necklaces, gold rings and all the expensive perfumes of the world. Her friends were jealous of her. They always told her that they wished for a husband like hers. She would always remain silent. Maybe she was not valuing him enough. Afterall, he was ensuring that she got all the nice things of the world. Just like Cinderella. Wasn’t he just like the fairy tale husband, who would make sure that the wife gets the best of everything?

But she never felt eternally happy. Why was that so? She had watched all the Disney movies and yet, none of them had covered what happened during the ‘happily ever after’! Then there was a Bollywood number that said ‘yeh sone ki deeware, mujhe Khushi na yeh de payein’. This song kept getting played in loop in her head all the time.

She used to feel lonely, depressed and confused! Her self-esteem was on an all-time low and she didn’t know what was happening to her. She used to be so clear with her thoughts all the time then why was her mind clouded now?

This kept happening all the time, in subtle ways. Some days Sanket would tell her how she looked tired all the time and no matter what she chose to wear, he would say that she didn’t have any fashion sense. But as soon as they were out among people, he would always look at her lovingly and would keep his hand on her shoulders all the time. It was all so confusing. 

Tara kept thinking all the time and tried to improve. She would buy new clothes for herself, but then Sanket would tell her that she already had so many clothes and there was no point in wasting money. 

After about 2 years, Tara was in a such a state that she was always occupied with household work, she was scared of buying anything new as per her will because Sanket would say nasty things to her if she did and she had left her job because she was too tired of juggling between her teaching job, household chores and her personal life. Tara would wake up early, as per everyone else’s convenience, she would get the time to sleep only for 5 hours every night and she was scared of going out on holidays with Sanket because he would either say something that would spoil her mood or there would be uncomfortable silence when they are alone. She had absolutely no interest in going on vacations with her in-laws or friends because she had come to hate that side of Sanket which he had realized was all fake. She slowly stopped connecting with all her friends because Sanketdid not like them much. She had no glow on her face, there used to be a frown on her face always and she used to be unhappy all the time. 

What had happened to Tara? Sanket had never raised his voice, he had never hit her, he got her everything expensive and he respected her in public always. She had a loving family, a loving husband, a house and a car, wasn’t these the society’s standards of perfection? Then why was Tara unhappy in this perfectly happy marriage? Why was Tara still going through all this emotional turmoil that had drained her of her energy, her charm and her glow?

She tried to ask a lot of people around her but could never explain the situation properly. She started observing a lot of other couples thinking that maybe this was normal, maybe it was her mind. She spoke with her friends indirectly asking them how their relationship was! Many-a-time she found herself remembering the 4-year old kid she had read about, the one who’s mumma used to hit him with a belt, with showpieces and would not give her food to eat. Since the child was brought up like that, when he started school he asked his teacher whether it was normal for kids to get beaten up like that and the teacher had then informed the authorities later. Tara herself was waiting for that Godmother in her life. Someone who would solve this mystery for her and make her life better.

But, no one in her entire family, her in-laws or even friends seemed to be in the mental state where they could understand her situation. She was miserable on the inside but kept that smile on her face always. The girl who used to believe in the concept of ‘prince charming’, now hated the word marriage. She despised all the movies like Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel etc. that she had always loved as a kid. She hated that no one had ever told her that reality was so muchdifferent, not even the movies. 

One day, while she was standing on a railway platform, she remembered the scene of a movie where the protagonist had thought of jumping in front of the train. For just a milli second, she found herself thinking of how it would matter to anyone if she did anything like that. At once, the thoughts of her parents crossed her mind and she felt ashamed. How could she even think like that? 

This was the moment when she decided that she will have to look for a solution soon, otherwise she would slip into depression. She looked for a phycologist and one fine day, when no one was at home, she connected for a therapy. When she vented out without the fear of being judged, she felt good. She felt light, like someone had taken away some weight that she was carrying alone. That call went on for an hour and that made Tara feel really good. That evening, she picked a book, a story book and read for 4-5 hours straight. 

Though she had not got a solution, she at least knew that she needed to keep herself distracted. The same thoughts every day had started killing her from within. She started reading books on human psychology to get to the root cause and found the subject quite interesting. She would get to know about a lot of personality types but none compared to how Sanket was! She came across the term ‘Narcissist’ first time when she was reading a book on Personality Disorder and she thought of deep-diving into it. She could relate to some characteristics of a Narcissist but she felt that there was more to it. Some days later, she came across the personality-type ‘Covert Narcissism’ and bang! She could relate to each and every characteristic of Sanketwith that of a Covert Narcissist. 

By definition, Covert narcissists have an "unrealistic and extremely fragile sense of self, which leads to a lack of engagement in the world." That lack of engagement combined with a general lack of empathy (common in NPD) makes it nearly impossible for covert narcissists to connect with others in any meaningful way. Tara seemed to connect with this immediately. She looked for the term more and more and found a plethora of information that explained Sanket’s behavior word-by-word. 

Here are some personality traits of a covert narcissist: 

A total inability to handle criticism is a telltale sign of covert narcissism. The covert narcissist tends to wear their heart on their sleeve, and is thus often easily wounded. They might then use this offense as a way to get attention from others or present themselves as a victim. 

They say or do things to make you feel off-balance, insecure, or uncomfortable so they can feel more in control or knowledgeable.

Because covert narcissists believe their experiences are more important or more difficult than other people's, they'll often call you all the time to talk about how hard life is for them, how much they suffer. They tend to do this with a complete disregard for your side of the conversation or your time.  

Tara was able to relate to each and every point about a covert narcissist. She finally felt at ease. She wanted to read more and more about this and she did that over the next few days. The more she researched, the more she learnt. Day by day, she learnt more about this topic and how to survive with someone who was a covert narcissist. She knew that Sanket would never agree for therapy or counselling but she also knew that her feelings and her thoughts are not meaningless. She had to improve her life. She had to get things back on track. 

She was suddenly feeling energized. She knew that she didn’t want to spend her life like that or even with that person, if he didn’t improve. But the awareness about his disorder had given her the strength to think straight. She had also found a super-great psychologist online who was an expert on covert narcissism. She would hear the podcasts in loop to understand more and more about how you can deal with a covert narcissistand not let yourself get affected. She had to start her life afresh. She noted down these pointers and decided to work on them. 

Some excepts from an online source:

So how can a person learn to live with the selfishness, arrogance, superiority, and entitlement every day without losing their mind? How do they tolerate the narcissist using bullying to control, intimidation to convince, silence to avoid intimacy, anger rages to hide insecurities, and gifting to show love? It is possible and here are a few suggestions:

1. Study them. None of the following tips will work unless a person is willing to step outside of the relationship and study the narcissist. This is essential for gaining more information, learning how to detach emotionally, and resetting old habitual arguments. When a person is able to analyze and systematize the narcissistic behavior in a dispassionate manner, it brings clarity of thought and restores emotional balance.

2. Call it out. Most narcissists are proud of their narcissism citing it as the positive aspect of their personality. While the initial sharing of diagnosis might not go so well, the after effect tends to be much better. Statements like, careful your narcissism is showing, done with a non-sarcastic tone can be quite effective as long as the relationship is trusted and valued by the narcissist.

3. Understand the abuse cycle. The narcissistic abuse cycle is unique and involves four phases: feeling threatened, abusing others, becoming the victim, and feeling empowered. Learning the identification features of each step, allows a person to stop the cycle. 

4. Discern abuse tactics. Fortunately, narcissists are creatures of habit so when they have discovered an abuse tactic that is effective, it is repeated. There are seven ways a person can be abused: physically, emotionally, verbally, mentally, financially, sexually, and spiritually. Some examples include aggression, confusion, twisting the truth, gaslighting, limiting access to money, sexual coercion, and dichotomous thinking. Observe the tactic as if it were a show instead of taking it personally.

5. Play a game. Narcissists use their charm to draw others in by asking a question about the other person. However, they frequently don’t bother listening to the answer and often interrupt with a story about themselves. Instead of becoming angry, time this. Play a game to see how quickly the topic changes and try to better the time with each engagement.

6. Be wary of surprise gifts. The tale of the Trojan horse is a fitting example of narcissistic gift-giving. In order to enter the Greek city of Troy unnoticed, a wooden house was filled with army men. Once the horse was within the gates, the men came out and overtook the city. Every surprise gift-giving by a narcissist should be treated with caution instead of naivety.

7. Fed the ego. In order to thrive, narcissists need a daily feeding of attention, affirmation, affection, and adoration. A simple comment of, you look amazing, you are so good at that, or you are impressive goes a long way. Discover ways to show appreciation and thanks to the narcissist daily and the raging will subside greatly. This is not manipulation, rather it a basic understanding of how the personality disorder works.

8. Reset expectations. Narcissists are known for their lack of empathy for others. While they expect sympathy for themselves, they won’t reciprocate. This empathetic absence is a blinder which keeps others at a distance and limits intimacy. When compassion is needed, find another source instead of demanding it from the narcissist.

9. Protect the insecurities. All too often when a person learns of the hidden insecurities of the narcissist, they bring it up in retaliation as an offensive attack. This only increases the narcissistic reaction because they are forced to be on the defense and it adds to their perceived shame. Instead, help the narcissist protect their insecurities by seeing it more like a hidden treasure that is not to be exposed.

10. Establish boundaries. One of the easiest boundaries to establish is avoiding the blame game. Narcissists won’t apologize for their mistakes but will require such humility from others. They might even exaggerate another’s wrong to minimize their own. Instead, put every error in its proper context, refuse to apologize just to keep the peace, and resist the temptation to shift blame back to the narcissist. Don’t become like them while in the process of trying to learn how to live with them.

11. Avoid embarrassment. The ultimate evil for a narcissist is to be publicly humiliated. Sometimes this is unavoidable as with politicians and their countless scandals. Hilary Clinton chose to stand by her man and this did not harm her reputation at all. Narcissists appreciate loyalty especially when it is done at their most embarrassing moment.

12. Find the good. A personality disorder doesn’t make a person bad; it just changes their ability to accurately perceive reality. Some days may be harder to find the good in the narcissist than others, but with a bit of practice, this exercise becomes easier. For every thought of frustration directed at them, counter it with a positive statement. Even simple ones will do such as, they clean up good, or they tell great stories.

 

In another year, she was able to come back to what she can now call as ‘normal’. She had detached herself completely from him, she had joined a job and was now focusing more on improving herself and her personality. She hadn’t informed Sanket about her findings till date but she was able to improve their relationship to a great extent. In short, she was happy. She was learning to live again and that made her feel good. Knowledge is everything, she had realized. In the end, she had become the ‘prince charming’ and ‘Godmother’ for herself. In the end, she herself had helped herself come out of the abyss and she herself had made her life better. She was proud. She didn’t need anyone’s approval now- she was happy & content with herself.