...And she finally learnt living! Part 1

She was fed up of everything. The continuous headache, the failures, the weird people around her, the traffic, the noise, her boyfriend and her life! There was nothing worth living for! She had had the feeling of being “out of place” ever since she was a child. She did not find solace in her house, not at her school, college or workplace! She had felt this way for years, but the feeling was never so strong. It had not become so strong.

 Not even when her parents had forced her to go take up medicine, simply because her grades were good! 

She told them she wanted to sing, but they said that singing had no future. That medicine would give her a safe and stable career.

Not when she had to pursue her post-graduation in medicine. She hated being a doctor. But at that time, her parents had told her that it would give her a good life. She had believed them.

Not when her boyfriend asked her to shift to Mumbai, life was fast there; he had told her and said that she would be able to grow her career. She had trusted that ‘Maybe’ and thought that a big city & fast life would remove the hollowness inside her.

Not even when she had joined the hospital where she worked now.  Her colleagues were very nice people.  Her relatives were very happy. But the hollowness, the persistent feeling of being out-of-place had never left her.

She sometimes felt like she needed to start all over again. She wished she could get another life. Her mornings were sad. Her life had no enjoyment. She didn’t even feel like going to parties ever. He hated discos and hated crowds. The chores of her day were same for the last 2years. She used to wake up by 7, get dressed, eat breakfast, go to office, come back by 7, cook, watch TV and sleep. It had bored her to the extent that now she didn’t even bother changing her schedule.

She didn’t even go to her parent’s house now. She found those motivational, creepy lectures too boring to indulge into! She didn’t have a best friend because her girlfriends were all interested in materialistic things like expensive dresses, sandals, make up, discs and DJ. She was least interested in any of these. At times she felt that she could not understand herself! Why was she like that? Why was she not like other people? Had she been normal, like her other friends, maybe then she’d not be so troubled all the time.

She had searched for reasons, googled hundreds of times, told her confidante that there was nothing wrong in life, still she was not able to be happy. She read a lot of books of psychiatry and had even tried yoga. But nothing had worked. She still felt that void inside her. As if her existence was only on the outside. As if she was all numb from inside. Why was this so?

No one could tell that!

That’s why she had decided to die. She could not find even one reason for living. She was tired of it! The mornings no longer excited her; the afternoons were always the same. Her nights were always sleepless and disturbing. She was tired of tossing and turning with eyes wide open. Even the traffic, noises, busy roads and blaring horns made her feel sick. She wondered how other people were so normal to all this.

She had finally resigned from her job. She wanted to die peacefully. It had been a week now. She had thought about telling her parents, friends who cared about her. But then she decided against it, because she knew they’d never let her do such a thing. She was firm now. There was no point in turning back. She knew that her life was worth nothing. All she had to do now was to decide the day of her death..


To be continued..